Dirty Limericks: a Pristine Art!

Statutory Warning

PG (Parental Guidance required):This post contains vivid descriptions of reproductive systems, purely for instructional purposes. This might be unsuitable for viewing by people who may not have reached emotional puberty. If you are one, proceed no further.  If YOU are the Parent of the house, but are in doubt: ask your Teenager!

The Agony and the Ecstasy

I could barely survive the tyranny of poetry in school. Ditto, in college. I couldn’t understand why my Professor went into raptures about this:

BoringEmily

A bird came down the walk
He did not know I saw
He bit an Angle worm in halves
And ate the fellow raw.

And then, he drank a Dew
From a convenient Grass
And then hopped side-wise to the Wall
To let a Beetle pass …..

 I don’t recall the rest of the poem, but it was clear that the poet (the celebrated Miss Emily Dickinson) specialised in the “Baba Black-sheep” genre. Gosh, she couldn’t even rhyme the alternate lines! As the Professor inflicted more agony, my classmate (he shall remain nameless for security reasons) said, he knew better stuff and whispered conspiratorially:

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made of brass
They’d play in stormy weather
When they’d bang together
And lightning would flash out of his ass

 I see light

Wow! I had discovered the limerick! But not so Wow: this was forbidden knowledge ! So, for many years I hid my guilty secret. One day, I found the works of G. Legman in a very “respectable” book-store. He had done a lifetime of research only on dirty jokes and limericks and published it too! I bought all that was on offer and my interest has never waned since !

The Limerick

Limericks are believed to have originated from the pubs of Ireland (county of Limerick). In the standard limerick, the 1st, 2nd and 5th lines  rhyme with each other; the 3rd and 4th lines (which are usually shorter)are in rhyme.  Theoretically a limerick may address any subject, but a classic usually deals with biology. Like this:

A lim’rick packs laughs anatomical
In a package that’s quite economical
The good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Limericists

Edward Lear wrote silly limericks and Ogden Nash wrote clever ones. But the surprisingly dynamite-bawdy stuff comes from the finest science-writer  I know— Isaac Asimov. If you thought all you need to get started is some 4 letter words and some scatalogical references— think again. To write good dirty limericks, you need to have a good working knowledge of many subjects. A scholar like Asimov could handle that, of course. Here’s a sampling of the intelligent stuff…

Music & Rhythm

Let’s start with one by Asimov:

There was a young woman named Rhoda
As sweet as a chocolate soda.
It was such a delight
To screw her at night
Then once more at dawn as a coda.

And some others as well:

A young violinist from Reo,FranzLiszt
Was seducing a woman named Cleo;
As she took down her panties,
She said “No andantes,
I want this allegro con brio.

There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
In concert, he jacked off with his fist.

 There once was a Scot named McAmeter,
Whose tool had prodigious diameter.
But it wasn’t his size
That gave girls their surprise…
‘Twas his rhythm–iambic pentameter.

 Astro Physics

There was a young Miss Bright
Who copulated faster than light.
She started one day
In a ‘relative’ way,
She already came the previous night.

This one is not for the soft-hearted:

A man back from Alpha Centauri
Tells a perfectly horrible story
Their women have teeth
Both above and beneath
And whatever goes in comes out gory!

Law

Once there was a lawyer named Rex
Who was small in parts used for sex.
When charged with indecent exposure
He replied with quiet composure:
De minimus non curat lex

History

Again, this one is by Asimov:

Cleopatra’s a cute little minx
With a sex life that’s loaded with kinks
Marcus A, she would steer amid
The palms and Great pyramid
And they’d screw on the head of the sphinx.

Medicine

There was a young dentist Malone
Who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!

There once was a man from Istanbul
Who had some red marks on his tool
He went to the doc
Who looked at his cock
And said “Wipe off the lipstick you fool.”

A remarkable doctor named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge,
Learnt in medical college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.

Politics

Don Trump may hog the media, but it is the Democrats who figure in Limericks:

Clinton at the White House, of course…

There once was a president named Bill
Who had quite a thrill
As an intern named Monica
Played like a harmonica
All over his Capitol Hill

…But not to forget Ted Kennedy at Chappaquiddick:

There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a new piece of ass
He tucked up and found it
But fucked up and drowned it
And now his future is past, Alas!

Patriotic stuff: Desi Maal

By now they have probably outsourced limericks to my home state, as the next one shows:

There was a man from Tamil Nadu
Who knew a lot of Jadoo
Once during a trick
He lost his prick
And now he is a sadoo

This is a clever limerick about namma Chennai, despite being a KLPD !

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you are wont to think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Karnataka and Andhra are not far behind. I suspect the next one was penned by a student of Maharaja’s College!

There was this belle from Bangalore,
Sweet and pure when she was just four,
When she was sixteen of age,
She joined Maharani’s college,
And now  she’s graduated into a Whore!

There once was a man from Waltair
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

Here’s one for the Hills!

There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who danced with such exquisite feeling
There was no sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling

 Extra Large

Here are some larger-than-life stories!

On a maiden, a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She couldn’t spare a tit for Tat.

There once was a man from Kent,
Whose cock was so long it bent,
To save himself trouble,
He folded it in double,
So, instead of coming he went.

There once was a young man from Brighton,
Who remarked to his woman, “My, you’re a tight one.”
She said, “Upon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right one!”

There once was a waitress named Cragg
To all the ladies she would brag
“My breasts are sizeable,
And easily recognizable
I rarely have to wear a name tag.”

 There was a young gal name of Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
Crying, “Gee, Dick, you’re right up my alley!

Sentimental

Once a Chinese maiden named Molly
Lost her innocence through young folly
His name was Dick Dim Sum
Alas, too soon he did cum
All he could say was “I’m velly solly!

A lighthouse keeper called Crighton
Took to seeing a lady from Brighton,
But ships ran aground,
And sailors were drowned,
As she wouldn’t have sex with the light on

There once was a woman from Anheiser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
Young Heineken took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
Ah, now she is sadder Budweiser!

Mathematics

And now, the piece-de-resistance from mathematician Leigh Mercer. If you think this numerical limerick  is not dirty enough, let me remind you that all of Maths is dirty!

(12+144+20) +(3 x √4)   +  ( 5 x 11)  = (9)² 
                      7              

This should be read as follows:

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

Professional lexicon: What the master limericists knew!


Coda = In a classical music performance, a climactic movement at the end of a music piece
Andante = A slow movement, in a classical music piece
Allegro con Brio= In classical music, to perform with a lot of energy
Liszt = Franz List, a 19th century composer who also played the piano with vigour (remember Hungarian Rhapsody #2?)
Iambic Pentameter= A 5 beat rhythm type in lyrics; Shakespeare deployed this in his sonnets
Alpha Centauri= The closest star system to our solar system
De minimus non curat Lex= A legal paradigm, meaning: “the Law shall not be concerned with trivialities”
Desi Maal = Indian goods
KLPD = A colourful Hindi term meaning, anti-climax (I will not go into the biology or etymology of this !)

Good Reference Books

There are so many other good limericks out there (I was spoilt for choice); you might find these books helpful.

By Gershon Legman
Rationale of the dirty joke
The Limerick

By Isaac Asimov
Lecherous Limericks
More Lecherous Limericks
Still more Lecherous Limericks

 Disclaimer

Nothing here is my original work. I believe these limericks are in the domain of folklore and have no copyright claims. If indeed there are any, I would request the owner to be indulgent, as I seek no other benefit than spreading good cheer in a serious world!

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11 thoughts on “Dirty Limericks: a Pristine Art!

  1. Good ones Kaushik this is the kind of stuff I like. So here are a few from my store:

    There was a young poof from Khartoum
    Who took a lesbian up to his room
    They argued all night
    About who had the right
    To do what, with which and to whom.

    There was a young girl named Sapphire
    Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
    She said, “It’s a sin,
    But now that it’s in,
    Could you shove it a few inches higher?”

    There once was a man from east Kent,
    whose prick was so long that it bent.
    To save further trouble,
    he bent it in double;
    so he never came but he went !

  2. And here is one from Wodehouse’s Wodehouse on Wodehouse

    There was a young man named Grover,
    who once bowled 22 wides in an over;
    Which had never been done
    by a clergyman’s son;
    On a Saturday, in August, in Dover

  3. Here are two IIMA prizewinners back in the day when IIMA attracted a curious bunch of people. The first one is about a chap called Ambalal who is now lost to history. The second is about my batchmate Punk who is about four feet tall.

    Facing the problem of a wife eight foot tall
    an ingenious solution found Ambalal!
    Using a ladder,
    he mounted and had her,
    saying “Bride! Come before a fall!”

    When Punk was born they tied him with a rope,
    and took him to be baptised by the Pope.
    The Pope said, “May be
    this is a baby.
    But I cannot be sure without a microscope!”

  4. Wow, Ravi. You have added much colour to my post! The Indian ones are superb, proving that Limericks have been fully outsourced to India. Jai Hind!

    • kaushik-here are 2 more to add to your post

      There was a man from Inchcape
      Who lent his ass to an ape
      The ape said-“you poor fool!
      I have a square tool”
      And jiggered his ass out of shape.

      There was a man from Montana
      Who did many tricks for an anna
      His famous trick
      Was to stand on his prick
      And tighten his balls with a spanner

  5. Here are two good ones from the world of Mathematics

    A mathematician confided
    That a Mobius band is one-sided.
    And you’ll get quite a laugh
    If you cut one in half,
    For it stays in one piece when divided.

    There was a maths student called Hector,
    Who couldn’t tell scalar from vector.
    “I’m quite at a loss
    To tell a dot from a cross —
    I ought not to work in this sector.”

  6. Jai, It appears that Mathematics has been inadequately represented in Limericks. So here’s one more contribution that I concocted on the fly:
    There was a teacher named Debra
    Who with passion taught Algebra
    When she drew a Parabola
    It so expanded her Areola
    That she had to wear larger bra

  7. At your request,

    There once was a mensch named Kaushik
    Who tilted to the sado-masochistic
    Give me the whips and chains, he demanded
    Pain is what he most wanted
    Till he forever encumbered his joystick

    There once was an acct. named Kaushik
    who favored ladies for his professional shtick
    He parlayed his tactics
    in return for novel bedroom antics
    Till he had teeth marks on his dipstick

  8. I can recognize the one about Ambalal Sarabhai – there were many others. One that I remember went

    In a boat on the lake at Naini Taal
    Shocked friends told our Ambalaal
    Look, how surprising
    The lake level is rising
    Said he – No, I am answering nature’s caall…

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