How I learnt to eat Oats (and the humble pie)

Have you ever wondered how the most disgusting dishes are always “good for health”? For years, I have suffered the tyranny of Oats: Anu devotedly puts it on the breakfast table because “it is for your own good”. How would she know – she hasn’t even eaten it once!

I have gone to the root of this Oats business and here is my take. In the olden days, when men were men, they only sowed wild oats everywhere. The edible Oats was fed to horses, donkeys and other productive farm animals.That left very little for humans, who didn’t need it anyway(remember, they were already sowing oats wildly?). But now, the demand from the human health segment has become huge and cannot be ignored by the industry. So they “created” Health Oats.


How they “create” new health products. (Pic courtesy: New Yorker)

Creating a health product is easy: just follow the paradigm that anything which tastes like crap must be good for health. My research leads me to believe that the main ingredient of modern Oats is cardboard. Has it struck you that your kabaadi-wallah pays a higher price for old hardbound 200 pages school notebooks for your child? Where do you think it goes? Admit it, Oats tastes exactly like shredded cardboard ! And you swallowed it (I mean the health propaganda).


My wife refuses to believe this Great Revelation I got from the Internet a few years ago !

 Of course, my wife doesn’t believe me. Nor do I have a hope of convincing her in the next few births—she has been brainwashed by the Oats Mafia. So I searched heaven & earth for the right additive to remove the crappy cardboard taste. And tan-ta -dan! I found it! It goes by the scientific name of Decalepis Hamiltonii. It is a root that is known in some parts as Sarsaparilla. Lesser mortals (like yours truly) call it Maagaani or Maakaali Kizhangu. My grandmother used to make wonderful pickle with it. The pickle has an extremely pungent flavor — much like crushed bed-bugs (a.k.a. Moottai-Poochi in Tamil). And this is what I poured in vast quantities (1:7 ratio) into the Oats. Wow! Oats has never been the same again.


Yummy Maagaani  Vs  Yucky Strawberry

I guess my recipe will never find its way into the Gharelu-Nuska and Cook shows on TV. What a pity! Every year, millions of Indians will plod through tonnes of yucky Strawberry Oats and other sundry stationery, but die without ever having tasted the pleasures of the crushed Moottai Poochi flavouring of my Grandma!

P.S. I wrote this piece quite before it was discovered that they pumped lead into Maggi noodles ! 🙂


Kabadi-wallah = The itinerant scrap dealer who usually buys waste paper from your home

Gharelu-Nuska = Household tips


2 thoughts on “How I learnt to eat Oats (and the humble pie)

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